Over the years I have met many people who have told me that they are lonely. We might translate that as ‘being on one’s own’ and, as some of these folk really have no one around, that may be assumed to be a true understanding of the word . But, many of these lonely people are surrounded by others – some have hundreds/ thousands of friends or at the very least, have a handful in their lives yet they all share this most painful and pressing of emotions; that of feeling absolutely alone in this world.
Feeling ‘lonely’ is a heartbreaking state of being and it’s a difficult place to be in. I also find it a challenging thing to witness and to be part of the environment of a ‘lonely’ person. I can hear it, I can see it, hell I can even hold that space while I’m with them but it’s not easy to be part of that suffering because I know that I too will leave. I do what I can to be present, but my time with that person is limited and I will at some point say “see you soon/ next week/goodbye”. Leaving is a sad but necessary part of their journey….and mine. We connect and then disconnect and it’s this disconnection that I’ve been thinking about lately.
You see, as humans we yearn for nothing more than to connect. Our desire and drive to belong, be part of the world, be part of someone’s world is an intrinsic and powerful force within us that I truly believe begins in da da da……. in utero! As soon as those cells start to divide and the building blocks of becoming a human commence, we do all that we can to grab attention; the nausea, cravings (or disgust), olfactory detectors, ravenous hunger, mood swings and then the wriggling, punching and kicking until it peaks into the pains of labour and childbirth….and then of course to life beyond. Pregnancy is all about attention seeking behaviours and of making demands that shout out “Hello!! I’m here!” And if we are very, very lucky we will have chosen a mother who will have indulged this journey, hemorrhoids and all (I say chosen as that’s my belief about souls and spiritual journeys but feel free to take that word out of it doesn’t resonate with you).
I , sadly, did not indulge the worst parts of my pregnancy with my first child but I did with the second. I embraced with gratitude the morning sickness, the fatigue, 3 am cravings for pears and cheese toasties (don’t knock it- it’s delish!). She was here and I loved it.
Anyway, I digress. Back to Loneliness. Here’s what I think and feel is the true meaning and emotion behind Loneliness. It’s actually disconnection; a disconnection from people, from the world, from oneself. This might be by chance, misfortune or self imposed but when we feel disconnected, we feel alone, by ourselves, solo. But here’s the thing to remember, no man’s an island. We need people around us. In life we need to find a balance between dependency and that of being independent. Yes we can survive on our own but life shouldn’t be about survival. It could be about surviving and thriving. As people, we do better when in a community. That’s why tribes exist, packs exist, support groups, villages, towns, cities, countries, continents exist. When we are together and work together, when we find, nurture and encourage symbiosis, we feel better. We do better. We are better. We have a sense of existence, belonging, purpose. We feel united, joined, valued, worthy, loved. Those empty parts of us that contribute to our feelings of being alone (in my head it’s holes left behind from where our connecting cords have been severed and from which our existence starts to leak out ) starts to fill up again, new connecting cords emerge and grow.
Perhaps next time you feel ‘lonely’ or someone tells you they are, take a pause. Take a minute to rethink and rename that feeling. Ask yourself (or them) ‘What am I /you disconnected from. What’s happened? What do I need to do to reconnect? ‘ This might just be about self care, having a walk, doing some meditation, socialising, picking up the phone and having a chat. It might even be going away on a retreat. And it’s worth mentioning here to be mindful of those connections, we want to reconnect to things that are fulfilling, beneficial and loving. Things that encourage, pull us up, help us elevate ourselves, nourish and sustain.
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