Author: salixcounselling

Loneliness- is it what we think it is?

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Over the years I have met many people who have told me that they are lonely. We might translate that as ‘being on one’s own’ and, as some of these folk really have no one around, that may be assumed to be a true understanding of the word . But, many of these lonely people are surrounded by others – some have hundreds/ thousands of friends or at the very least, have a handful in their lives yet they all share this most painful and pressing of emotions; that of feeling absolutely alone in this world.

Feeling ‘lonely’ is a heartbreaking state of being and it’s a difficult place to be in. I also find it a challenging thing to witness and to be part of the environment of a ‘lonely’ person. I can hear it, I can see it, hell I can even hold that space while I’m with them but it’s not easy to be part of that suffering because I know that I too will leave. I do what I can to be present, but my time with that person is limited and I will at some point say “see you soon/ next week/goodbye”. Leaving is a sad but necessary part of their journey….and mine. We connect and then disconnect and it’s this disconnection that I’ve been thinking about lately.

You see, as humans we yearn for nothing more than to connect. Our desire and drive to belong, be part of the world, be part of someone’s world is an intrinsic and powerful force within us that I truly believe begins in da da da……. in utero! As soon as those cells start to divide and the building blocks of becoming a human commence, we do all that we can to grab attention; the nausea, cravings (or disgust), olfactory detectors, ravenous hunger, mood swings and then the wriggling, punching and kicking until it peaks into the pains of labour and childbirth….and then of course to life beyond. Pregnancy is all about attention seeking behaviours and of making demands that shout out “Hello!! I’m here!” And if we are very, very lucky we will have chosen a mother who will have indulged this journey, hemorrhoids and all (I say chosen as that’s my belief about souls and spiritual journeys but feel free to take that word out of it doesn’t resonate with you).

I , sadly, did not indulge the worst parts of my pregnancy with my first child but I did with the second. I embraced with gratitude the morning sickness, the fatigue, 3 am cravings for pears and cheese toasties (don’t knock it- it’s delish!). She was here and I loved it.

Anyway, I digress. Back to Loneliness. Here’s what I think and feel is the true meaning and emotion behind Loneliness. It’s actually disconnection; a disconnection from people, from the world, from oneself. This might be by chance, misfortune or self imposed but when we feel disconnected, we feel alone, by ourselves, solo. But here’s the thing to remember, no man’s an island. We need people around us. In life we need to find a balance between dependency and that of being independent. Yes we can survive on our own but life shouldn’t be about survival. It could be about surviving and thriving. As people, we do better when in a community. That’s why tribes exist, packs exist, support groups, villages, towns, cities, countries, continents exist. When we are together and work together, when we find, nurture and encourage symbiosis, we feel better. We do better. We are better. We have a sense of existence, belonging, purpose. We feel united, joined, valued, worthy, loved. Those empty parts of us that contribute to our feelings of being alone (in my head it’s holes left behind from where our connecting cords have been severed and from which our existence starts to leak out ) starts to fill up again, new connecting cords emerge and grow.

Perhaps next time you feel ‘lonely’ or someone tells you they are, take a pause. Take a minute to rethink and rename that feeling. Ask yourself (or them) ‘What am I /you disconnected from. What’s happened? What do I need to do to reconnect? ‘ This might just be about self care, having a walk, doing some meditation, socialising, picking up the phone and having a chat. It might even be going away on a retreat. And it’s worth mentioning here to be mindful of those connections, we want to reconnect to things that are fulfilling, beneficial and loving. Things that encourage, pull us up, help us elevate ourselves, nourish and sustain.

Genuine Callers Only!

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I’ve seen this Genuine Callers only! sign quite often over the years and always wondered about what precipitates the call to action to put it up, who does it and why and how do they know who is real and who is a bogus caller. Well, now I know! And it’s prompted me to write about it as I had an experience recently which annoyed me beyond measure – disingenuous clients and the impact their behaviours have on therapists (or mainly me as I cannot and will not speak for others). So, strap in!

I was passed on an email from a well-known directory the other day from a potential client. They were very vague in their message and rather clumsy in the style of writing but given the context of what they said they needed help with, I decided that perhaps that ‘weirdness’ I felt was valid and it was a genuine contact. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was a learning difficulty, maybe it was just a general sense of unsureness, fear and vulnerability – I mean I’ve been in that boat choosing a therapist and reaching out; that first step can be very scary. What do I write? How much do I say? How do I sound? Will I be rejected?

Knowing what it is like to be on that side of the fence, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. There are some very real, vulnerable people out there who really do need support, who may find it so hard to reach out or put down in words what they need. And yet they do. In my mind, that should be respected and honoured.

Anyway, after a little to and fro with this ‘client’, they said they would call me. I went along with it thinking that perhaps there was a genuine need for safety/privacy. Safety of course is like a basic need; if we don’t feel that in life then we don’t get very far. It’s therapeutically essential in my eyes.

So, back to the conversation. It was stinted, a hint of nerves and an uncertainty around the words coming out of the enquirer’s mouth and at first it seemed to be therapy related. I did feel some unease but couldn’t quite put my finger on it and then the following happened; I asked the caller if they had any questions (usual practise) and they did, and it was then that I felt an alarm bell. The questions rang like interview questions, or questions designed to set a trap. What was my opinion on….? Did I think that….? And this, this is what I find so utterly deplorable. The false pretence, claiming to need support when actually fishing for answers to a questionnaire, or some ‘research’ or undercover reporting on unethical practise. I will admit it did cross my mind that said directory had hired people to call therapists randomly to ‘catch them out’. But what is that all about? That’s crazy talk, right because that in itself is completely unethical practise… and may I add, without my consent.

I went over and over the scenario, replaying it and although I am satisfied that I was fine, I was left with that horrible feeling of being disarmed and unsure, even questioning my own mind and my own answers. I felt I was gaslight by a stranger. It stayed in my mind for days!

I’m just as angry for my time that was taken from me, the length of time my brain space was occupied by a non-paying tenant, feeling stupid for being ‘conned’, feeling stupid for just not being prepared, for being too naïve/gullible/ acquiescent. It angers and saddens me that there is such lack of respect for therapists like me, who do their damned hardest to be open and authentic, non-judgmental, helpful, supportive, genuine, fair.

I tell you what, it’s pushed me into preparing a statement should I ever be caught unaware again but that stings because, although it’s an extra layer of safety for me, it also feels distancing which jars with my way of being. I don’t want to be building up a shield of armour or become cynical and jaded about every email I get that is clumsily written or every phone call that is a bit ‘weird’ or vague. I want to be open and accepting of interactions that come my way but I also want to continue feeling empowered and solid in my assessment practise and not have that taken away or chipped at by thoughtless beings.

I wonder about the many therapists who have been in my position and, due to similar experiences of being ‘used’ for an unethical and seedy purpose, have become over cautious and ended up batting away real, genuine, help seeking individuals. And then unfortunately, and shamefully, these very people, feeling rejected and dismissed, in turn lose faith in us and in the systems designed to be compassionate, empathic and aimed at bringing out the best in humanity.

When did we stop caring so much about each other and instead chose to turn our focus towards/money/accolades/external valuation? Or has this been there all along and only now that I’ve experienced it do I realise that really, I am cynical, jaded and naïve after all? Ugh!

Fight, Flight, Freeze and Flop

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Here’s a thought that has been going round my head for about a week or so; my trauma responses and how they are linked to my childhood experiences.

What follows was precipitated by a conversation with my youngest. I was explaining that the next day was an early start for me as I had stuff to do and, if she wanted, I could wake her, and she could accompany me. She chose to stay at home and I suddenly felt myself get all hot and bothered and before I knew it I was giving her a number of orders to obey eg under NO circumstances was she to do anything like jump on the furniture or climb the counter or attempt to cut food or in fact, better still do nothing except stay in bed or cuddle in with big sister. Suddenly she was crying asking me why I was shouting at her. I wasn’t but I did notice that I’d gone into this very loud, stern, sharp, clipped voice, frowning and being very, very serious and angry looking. I stopped, apologised, and cuddled her. It didn’t matter to me whether she came or not so why was I so annoyed? And why couldn’t I speak these words in a nicer, gentler tone?

Sitting with this shitty feeling, I noted that this is the mode I go into when I mean business, when I don’t want to feel walked all over, ignored or dismissed i.e when I want to feel that I am being taken seriously. But I have friends who can also mean business and be very calm and rational and ‘nice’ so why do I go into ogre mode? Thinking back on the previous time I had left her at home, I was told (a few days later mind) that she’d decided to burrito herself with a weighted blanket, got stuck, panicked and then almost suffocated. When I heard this, I did get angry not just because it was dangerous but because I was flooded with all sorts of truly awful, and I mean horrendous, intrusive ‘what if’ thoughts, thoughts that stayed with me all day and lasted all the way into bedtime. I realised now, as I was cuddling her, that I got scared. Scared of what might have happened, how I would have felt, how my eldest would have felt (she had been left in charge) and the impact of it all on everyone. I was completely petrified and traumatised by the unthinkable outcome (I shudder still as I write this now). It dawned on me with total certainty that when there is a threat to my mental and physical stability, I go into a fight response. I become steely and react with sufficient severity as to lay down the law and ensure what I am saying is absolutely crystalclear. To keep myself safe, safe from a trauma that might break me.

I wasn’t always like this. Until I was about 11, my trauma response had been to freeze. I didn’t have to go into fight mode because my big sister did that for me. I was small, bespectacled, kind of weedy looking, cried a lot and carried my transitional object (aka my bear Panda Ann), around with me all the time. Let’s face it, I was easy pickings. When my sister left primary school, I suddenly found myself on my own, no one to fight my battles or protect me. When the, inevitable, first fight happened I had to learn fast. And I knew (probably due to my early experiences of being weedy and bullied) that it wasn’t enough to just stand my ground and say ‘no’ or ‘leave me alone’. I had to be more. I had to give one warning (cos I’m nice like that) and then the gloves come off.

So, my first fight was with a girl who had been goading me, trying to snatch my glasses off my face. I pushed her away and said something like ‘cut it out’. I was worried she was going to snap them in half or throw them about- being poor meant needing to look after things and I didn’t want to be yelled at by my mum. However, this girl was determined and went for me, hands straight into my hair. So, I punched her. No slaps or hair pulling, just a straight up punch in the face. It stopped her in her tracks but humiliated and hurt, she waited until after school and fetched her older brother. By then I was in a ‘game on’ mode and when I was done with him, they went to fetch their even bigger brother. I just went home, dishevelled, exhausted and in floods of tears. Luckily for me my ‘big brother’ was home and he put a stop to it all. However, the seed had been sown. I had learnt that if one’s warning wasn’t heeded, then a full-on attack had to be deployed and maintained. This kill or be killed battle cry was, unfortunately, reinforced several times during my youth, thus changing my threat response from freeze to fight.

Now as an adult it’s become a verbal thing but that gladiator stance is still in there. Not that long ago I was sitting in my car texting when 3 youths, not realising I was there, tried to break in. Instead of driving off, I beeped the horn and actually got out! Raging at their opportunistic insolence I chased after them hollering and swearing like some demented mad woman. It was dangerous really. I was on my own in a semi dark carpark, didn’t know what they were capable of or how the story could have ended but in that moment, I didn’t give a shit. I was infused with furious indignation and thought I could take on the world. Hello gladiator warrior!!

So how do I go from ‘WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE/HOW DARE YOU/ DON’T YOU EVER!’ etc. to ‘please don’t …’ or ’you know when you said… it made me feel….’ or ‘ this is not good behaviour’  or any other calmer, constructive gentler responses? It’s hard. Really hard because although my fight response has got me into some scary scrapes, it has also kept me safe and has helped me in moments of real need; when I’ve had to fight for my kids, or fight for my own self esteem/ self-worth, sometimes even to stand up for someone else.

I don’t purport to have the answers here or even embody the level of skills that are necessary to always behave maturely. What I do know is that in those minutes that my youngest called me out, I needed to take a step back and really take some time to uncover roots and my triggers. My fight response is a trauma trigger, one that detonates not just when I am afraid but also when I feel hurt or aggrieved, when there is some sensory overwhelm somewhere eg too much choice on a menu, too many conversations going on around me, too many decisions to make, too much noise etc… Whenever I feel attacked essentially. What’s useful here, for me at least, is to make a start, to feel, accept and own the trigger (I can almost guarantee that it will mostly be fear based), breath and remind myself I’m safe and I’m ok.

I’m sure there is more but for now this will do. I’m a work in progress. We all are. There’s no shame in that.

Resolutions? Naw, opportunities!

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I’ve never liked making New Year Resolutions or the conversations surrounding them. I find they are made spur of the moment, usually while inebriated and/or in a state of euphoria. They are not realistic or manageable most of the time but what grates on me more, is the pressure that we put on ourselves or is put upon us to then fulfill said resolution(s). It’s probably why I don’t like Lent or other abstinence practices,  I stay away from diets, or tend not to make promises – if I experience even the smallest reticence while in the process of making suggestions to stick to any of these, then I know it’s a goner, an unfulfilled statement that will end up making me feel guilty and disappointed in myself. Life can be hard enough without a set of self-imposed rules so why put oneself through that?

So, in the three weeks since I welcomed in 2024 I’ve been thinking about an alternative to Resolutions. The thought started formulating on a sunny and very cold dog walk with my husband while discussing the state of my life and our marriage. I was commenting on how hard it was at times to be met (internally or externally) with an aggrievance, an annoyance, or a deep-seated sense of indignance over some unresolved issue and, not be able to deal with it in a more positive way. Sometimes a conversation around stuff like that could arise but, more often than not, it would become a battle where frustration met frustration, anger begot anger, irritation generated arguments, pain or deep resentment provoked all sorts of awful reactions, reactions that only led to a sort of yukky stalemate.  A bit like a playfight; one of you nudges the other, the other retaliates with a punch which then leads to an even harder punch and so it escalates until it ends with blows, tears, bloody noses and bruised egos.

Back to my dislike for Resolutions. If I make a vow to be more even tempered, less gobby or more patient and then, when the occasion demands it, I’m not, I feel awful. Really awful. Disappointed and angry at myself for not managing to see it through, and that feeling can stay with me for a long time. It’s self-flagellating, unhealthy and very unhelpful. So rather than berating myself for ‘letting the side down- again!’, I’ve decided to reframe this idea of making Resolutions to ‘be better ‘ ( whatever that looks like) or ‘not drink/eat this’ and have decided that instead, I will live my life as normal and when such a moment arises that requires something that I struggle with eg what may have been a Resolution, then I will instead stop and ask myself ‘what is the opportunity here? Is there something I need to learn/ listen to/ pay attention to/ let go of? What do I need? What do I need to do?’

And this doesn’t have to be limited to personal relationships. This can also include everyday annoyances: messed up food order, a miscommunication with another professional, an unspun load of washing, a late arrival/late meeting/ no show, kids who don’t want to do their homework/ eat your 5 hour slow cooked stew/ dog eats your credit card…..whatever,  you know the list is endless.

In fact this reminds me of a time when I was first starting out and my child client didn’t come to session. My supervisor told me that it was good practice to stay in the room and reflect. And I guess the way we react to everyday grievances and experiences and the way we react to others is what I am exploring. Rather than cursing the day/person/annoyance or perhaps forcing a platitude, if we just ‘stay in the room’ and think ‘what is my opportunity here?’, then perhaps life would feel easier and a reaction can be turned into a well-balanced, proactive and peaceful response. Better still life can be guilt free and less punitive!

Compassion, Empathy and Forgiveness

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It’s the 50 year anniversary of the military coup that devastated the lives of so many Chileans- my family included. The years of torture, pain, censorship, murder, and oppression under a brutal dictatorship that lasted decades, still burns in the minds, souls and bodies of generations that survived. I wasn’t born until the regime was well under way, but I felt it’s impact; it steered the course of how my life began and the path it took. It set the foundations, shaping and moulding me and the way I thought and behaved. Some of that behaviour and thought pattern is still prevalent in me but I embrace that in a positive way.

When I was younger, I would fantasise about what I would say and do if I ever met face to face with the dictator Pinochet. It’s very different to how I feel about it all now.  Part of that has a lot to do with maturing, life experiences and personal growth. Back then, my fantasy was full of hatred, anger and violence. Now it’s full of compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. Out of all the shit that happened to my family and my childhood, the poverty, the generational trauma, and the psychological impacts, I find myself to be remarkable grateful. I’ve had a life of safety, freedom, a good education, choice and opportunity, friendships, always a roof over my head, money in the bank, food in my cupboards and clothes on my back. My children are healthy and can grow up in a society relatively safe and with the same freedoms and opportunities I enjoyed. There is freedom of speech (to an extent…I’m becoming increasingly concerned about how society has become more intolerant of free speech while in the process of fighting for all inclusivity but that’s another blog). It’s true, roses thrive better with manure.

The change that happened in me was gradual and went hand in hand as my circle of life experiences expanded. I’ve slowly been arriving to the same conclusion; that, over the course of our lifetime, the Universe continually hands us the same (or very close to the same) experiences especially when the same lesson(s) need to be learned, lessons that I believe are necessary and in fact integral to our evolvement as human beings. I can honestly say that this is true for me and happens to revolve around certain types of friendship choices – I tend to attract a particular type of personality, one that tends to come again and again, starts the same and ends pretty much the same. Over time, I have recognised the pattern and usually too late, except for this time. This time I decided to pay a little more attention to my instinct, sit back a little and think about what was evolving and what I was wanting. There’s a bit more to it of course but, in a nutshell, when the shit hit the fan (which of course it was going to do) I noted that my general outward response was different. This time I was mostly cool, tactful and boundaried. Yet, my inner reaction was the same; I was seething, angry, indignant, and not only did I not like it but, I realised that this, this, was the most important bit that needed to change. It was bad energy, not good and not helpful to me and if I didn’t change this inner response within me, then I’d get a re-run courtesy of the Universe. I don’t want a re-run thanks.

So, here’s how I see it and what I think is the necessary change:

We all have energies, personal energies that interact with the world and people around. I think of it as a circle around us. When our energy circle touches another’s, it creates a connection, an opportunity to amplify that energy. When we are in a loving and positive state and we meet another like-minded soul, it’s incredible. It sparks and fizzes, there is happiness, abundance, healing, a soulful connection if you will. Like when you share a moment with someone who you are completely in synch with, on every level. However, when negative energy meets negative energy, so if within you there is any inner negative feeling eg anger/disgust/malevolence/hatred, punishment and you meets it’s match within someone else, then all that is amplified is wrath and violence. That kind of energy spreads out, hitting everything within reach, like a dark cloud that withers everything it touches.  It’s harmful but, more importantly, the opportunity for change is lost. It’s just 2 angry laden circles of bad juju clashing and fighting, snarling and biting, getting bigger and more bitter……unless one of you changes and decides to meet it with love. The term ‘to kill someone with kindness’ springs to mind here.

It’s not easy to do, especially when we feel wronged/betrayed/hurt/ unheard etc. It takes time and effort and a purity of heart and spirit- well intentioned compassion and love and I mean doing it not because you want something out of this, but because the world needs it. There is enough of this negative charge, that gets bounced between people, amplifying and hurting humanity, already existing in the world: wars, riots, violence, famine, greed, abuse, crime, human trafficking, racism, terrorism, homophobia etc etc..

The rub is that we may try to do all we can to meet the world with grace, forgiveness, compassion, love and empathy and never live long enough to see the change. But, I would rather strive to live the rest of my life doing my best to offer opportunities for change and never know the outcome than add to the misery of the world and deny it the possibilities for peace and solidarity.