I’ve seen this Genuine Callers only! sign quite often over the years and always wondered about what precipitates the call to action to put it up, who does it and why and how do they know who is real and who is a bogus caller. Well, now I know! And it’s prompted me to write about it as I had an experience recently which annoyed me beyond measure – disingenuous clients and the impact their behaviours have on therapists (or mainly me as I cannot and will not speak for others). So, strap in!
I was passed on an email from a well-known directory the other day from a potential client. They were very vague in their message and rather clumsy in the style of writing but given the context of what they said they needed help with, I decided that perhaps that ‘weirdness’ I felt was valid and it was a genuine contact. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was a learning difficulty, maybe it was just a general sense of unsureness, fear and vulnerability – I mean I’ve been in that boat choosing a therapist and reaching out; that first step can be very scary. What do I write? How much do I say? How do I sound? Will I be rejected?
Knowing what it is like to be on that side of the fence, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. There are some very real, vulnerable people out there who really do need support, who may find it so hard to reach out or put down in words what they need. And yet they do. In my mind, that should be respected and honoured.
Anyway, after a little to and fro with this ‘client’, they said they would call me. I went along with it thinking that perhaps there was a genuine need for safety/privacy. Safety of course is like a basic need; if we don’t feel that in life then we don’t get very far. It’s therapeutically essential in my eyes.
So, back to the conversation. It was stinted, a hint of nerves and an uncertainty around the words coming out of the enquirer’s mouth and at first it seemed to be therapy related. I did feel some unease but couldn’t quite put my finger on it and then the following happened; I asked the caller if they had any questions (usual practise) and they did, and it was then that I felt an alarm bell. The questions rang like interview questions, or questions designed to set a trap. What was my opinion on….? Did I think that….? And this, this is what I find so utterly deplorable. The false pretence, claiming to need support when actually fishing for answers to a questionnaire, or some ‘research’ or undercover reporting on unethical practise. I will admit it did cross my mind that said directory had hired people to call therapists randomly to ‘catch them out’. But what is that all about? That’s crazy talk, right because that in itself is completely unethical practise… and may I add, without my consent.
I went over and over the scenario, replaying it and although I am satisfied that I was fine, I was left with that horrible feeling of being disarmed and unsure, even questioning my own mind and my own answers. I felt I was gaslight by a stranger. It stayed in my mind for days!
I’m just as angry for my time that was taken from me, the length of time my brain space was occupied by a non-paying tenant, feeling stupid for being ‘conned’, feeling stupid for just not being prepared, for being too naïve/gullible/ acquiescent. It angers and saddens me that there is such lack of respect for therapists like me, who do their damned hardest to be open and authentic, non-judgmental, helpful, supportive, genuine, fair.
I tell you what, it’s pushed me into preparing a statement should I ever be caught unaware again but that stings because, although it’s an extra layer of safety for me, it also feels distancing which jars with my way of being. I don’t want to be building up a shield of armour or become cynical and jaded about every email I get that is clumsily written or every phone call that is a bit ‘weird’ or vague. I want to be open and accepting of interactions that come my way but I also want to continue feeling empowered and solid in my assessment practise and not have that taken away or chipped at by thoughtless beings.
I wonder about the many therapists who have been in my position and, due to similar experiences of being ‘used’ for an unethical and seedy purpose, have become over cautious and ended up batting away real, genuine, help seeking individuals. And then unfortunately, and shamefully, these very people, feeling rejected and dismissed, in turn lose faith in us and in the systems designed to be compassionate, empathic and aimed at bringing out the best in humanity.
When did we stop caring so much about each other and instead chose to turn our focus towards/money/accolades/external valuation? Or has this been there all along and only now that I’ve experienced it do I realise that really, I am cynical, jaded and naïve after all? Ugh!
Salix Counselling 