Here’s a thought that has been going round my head for about a week or so; my trauma responses and how they are linked to my childhood experiences.
What follows was precipitated by a conversation with my youngest. I was explaining that the next day was an early start for me as I had stuff to do and, if she wanted, I could wake her, and she could accompany me. She chose to stay at home and I suddenly felt myself get all hot and bothered and before I knew it I was giving her a number of orders to obey eg under NO circumstances was she to do anything like jump on the furniture or climb the counter or attempt to cut food or in fact, better still do nothing except stay in bed or cuddle in with big sister. Suddenly she was crying asking me why I was shouting at her. I wasn’t but I did notice that I’d gone into this very loud, stern, sharp, clipped voice, frowning and being very, very serious and angry looking. I stopped, apologised, and cuddled her. It didn’t matter to me whether she came or not so why was I so annoyed? And why couldn’t I speak these words in a nicer, gentler tone?
Sitting with this shitty feeling, I noted that this is the mode I go into when I mean business, when I don’t want to feel walked all over, ignored or dismissed i.e when I want to feel that I am being taken seriously. But I have friends who can also mean business and be very calm and rational and ‘nice’ so why do I go into ogre mode? Thinking back on the previous time I had left her at home, I was told (a few days later mind) that she’d decided to burrito herself with a weighted blanket, got stuck, panicked and then almost suffocated. When I heard this, I did get angry not just because it was dangerous but because I was flooded with all sorts of truly awful, and I mean horrendous, intrusive ‘what if’ thoughts, thoughts that stayed with me all day and lasted all the way into bedtime. I realised now, as I was cuddling her, that I got scared. Scared of what might have happened, how I would have felt, how my eldest would have felt (she had been left in charge) and the impact of it all on everyone. I was completely petrified and traumatised by the unthinkable outcome (I shudder still as I write this now). It dawned on me with total certainty that when there is a threat to my mental and physical stability, I go into a fight response. I become steely and react with sufficient severity as to lay down the law and ensure what I am saying is absolutely crystalclear. To keep myself safe, safe from a trauma that might break me.
I wasn’t always like this. Until I was about 11, my trauma response had been to freeze. I didn’t have to go into fight mode because my big sister did that for me. I was small, bespectacled, kind of weedy looking, cried a lot and carried my transitional object (aka my bear Panda Ann), around with me all the time. Let’s face it, I was easy pickings. When my sister left primary school, I suddenly found myself on my own, no one to fight my battles or protect me. When the, inevitable, first fight happened I had to learn fast. And I knew (probably due to my early experiences of being weedy and bullied) that it wasn’t enough to just stand my ground and say ‘no’ or ‘leave me alone’. I had to be more. I had to give one warning (cos I’m nice like that) and then the gloves come off.
So, my first fight was with a girl who had been goading me, trying to snatch my glasses off my face. I pushed her away and said something like ‘cut it out’. I was worried she was going to snap them in half or throw them about- being poor meant needing to look after things and I didn’t want to be yelled at by my mum. However, this girl was determined and went for me, hands straight into my hair. So, I punched her. No slaps or hair pulling, just a straight up punch in the face. It stopped her in her tracks but humiliated and hurt, she waited until after school and fetched her older brother. By then I was in a ‘game on’ mode and when I was done with him, they went to fetch their even bigger brother. I just went home, dishevelled, exhausted and in floods of tears. Luckily for me my ‘big brother’ was home and he put a stop to it all. However, the seed had been sown. I had learnt that if one’s warning wasn’t heeded, then a full-on attack had to be deployed and maintained. This kill or be killed battle cry was, unfortunately, reinforced several times during my youth, thus changing my threat response from freeze to fight.
Now as an adult it’s become a verbal thing but that gladiator stance is still in there. Not that long ago I was sitting in my car texting when 3 youths, not realising I was there, tried to break in. Instead of driving off, I beeped the horn and actually got out! Raging at their opportunistic insolence I chased after them hollering and swearing like some demented mad woman. It was dangerous really. I was on my own in a semi dark carpark, didn’t know what they were capable of or how the story could have ended but in that moment, I didn’t give a shit. I was infused with furious indignation and thought I could take on the world. Hello gladiator warrior!!
So how do I go from ‘WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE/HOW DARE YOU/ DON’T YOU EVER!’ etc. to ‘please don’t …’ or ’you know when you said… it made me feel….’ or ‘ this is not good behaviour’ or any other calmer, constructive gentler responses? It’s hard. Really hard because although my fight response has got me into some scary scrapes, it has also kept me safe and has helped me in moments of real need; when I’ve had to fight for my kids, or fight for my own self esteem/ self-worth, sometimes even to stand up for someone else.
I don’t purport to have the answers here or even embody the level of skills that are necessary to always behave maturely. What I do know is that in those minutes that my youngest called me out, I needed to take a step back and really take some time to uncover roots and my triggers. My fight response is a trauma trigger, one that detonates not just when I am afraid but also when I feel hurt or aggrieved, when there is some sensory overwhelm somewhere eg too much choice on a menu, too many conversations going on around me, too many decisions to make, too much noise etc… Whenever I feel attacked essentially. What’s useful here, for me at least, is to make a start, to feel, accept and own the trigger (I can almost guarantee that it will mostly be fear based), breath and remind myself I’m safe and I’m ok.
I’m sure there is more but for now this will do. I’m a work in progress. We all are. There’s no shame in that.
Salix Counselling 