I’ve never liked making New Year Resolutions or the conversations surrounding them. I find they are made spur of the moment, usually while inebriated and/or in a state of euphoria. They are not realistic or manageable most of the time but what grates on me more, is the pressure that we put on ourselves or is put upon us to then fulfill said resolution(s). It’s probably why I don’t like Lent or other abstinence practices, I stay away from diets, or tend not to make promises – if I experience even the smallest reticence while in the process of making suggestions to stick to any of these, then I know it’s a goner, an unfulfilled statement that will end up making me feel guilty and disappointed in myself. Life can be hard enough without a set of self-imposed rules so why put oneself through that?
So, in the three weeks since I welcomed in 2024 I’ve been thinking about an alternative to Resolutions. The thought started formulating on a sunny and very cold dog walk with my husband while discussing the state of my life and our marriage. I was commenting on how hard it was at times to be met (internally or externally) with an aggrievance, an annoyance, or a deep-seated sense of indignance over some unresolved issue and, not be able to deal with it in a more positive way. Sometimes a conversation around stuff like that could arise but, more often than not, it would become a battle where frustration met frustration, anger begot anger, irritation generated arguments, pain or deep resentment provoked all sorts of awful reactions, reactions that only led to a sort of yukky stalemate. A bit like a playfight; one of you nudges the other, the other retaliates with a punch which then leads to an even harder punch and so it escalates until it ends with blows, tears, bloody noses and bruised egos.
Back to my dislike for Resolutions. If I make a vow to be more even tempered, less gobby or more patient and then, when the occasion demands it, I’m not, I feel awful. Really awful. Disappointed and angry at myself for not managing to see it through, and that feeling can stay with me for a long time. It’s self-flagellating, unhealthy and very unhelpful. So rather than berating myself for ‘letting the side down- again!’, I’ve decided to reframe this idea of making Resolutions to ‘be better ‘ ( whatever that looks like) or ‘not drink/eat this’ and have decided that instead, I will live my life as normal and when such a moment arises that requires something that I struggle with eg what may have been a Resolution, then I will instead stop and ask myself ‘what is the opportunity here? Is there something I need to learn/ listen to/ pay attention to/ let go of? What do I need? What do I need to do?’
And this doesn’t have to be limited to personal relationships. This can also include everyday annoyances: messed up food order, a miscommunication with another professional, an unspun load of washing, a late arrival/late meeting/ no show, kids who don’t want to do their homework/ eat your 5 hour slow cooked stew/ dog eats your credit card…..whatever, you know the list is endless.
In fact this reminds me of a time when I was first starting out and my child client didn’t come to session. My supervisor told me that it was good practice to stay in the room and reflect. And I guess the way we react to everyday grievances and experiences and the way we react to others is what I am exploring. Rather than cursing the day/person/annoyance or perhaps forcing a platitude, if we just ‘stay in the room’ and think ‘what is my opportunity here?’, then perhaps life would feel easier and a reaction can be turned into a well-balanced, proactive and peaceful response. Better still life can be guilt free and less punitive!
Salix Counselling 